RAWRRRRRR

Sigh, I don't know what it is. I guess it's just everything that has piled up on me. I've been so stressed and frustrated, seems like no one is giving me a break! My heart feels heavy, it feels like it's carrying a lot of burden. I feel like I'm giving up and I don't know why. I've been have thoughts lately of why am I still living when we're just living to die. I feel like I can't accomplish anything, yesterday on the way to school, I start tearing up because I couldn't handle it anymore. But the reason..I, myself do not even know.
Maybe, since it's coming to an end, I have so much projects, papers, presentations, and midterm then finals that it's creeping up on me. Plus, I have idiotic people in my groups, stubborn. I know I'm stubborn but at least I'm right and on the right track but they just lead my team off because they believe they're right but all they're doing is wasting time and make the simplest thing into the most complicated thing. Sigh.
And I didn't mention, I got caught smoking by my older sister. Yes, older sister, and she went and told my mom. But guess what? That ain't even the stupidest part. My mom knew I smoked, she caught me many times and this time she just pretty much laughed it off and told me just don't ruin yourself. The stupid part is that my sister is the one angry, yes. I'm fucking old enough and she said she's not going to interfere with our lives so why is she trying to cause drama because of what I'm doing? Why doesn't she give a shit about what my little sister but butt in in my life! It's bullshit. I find it very ridiculous. I hate dramaqueens. It's like, please, get a fucking LIFE.
Man, I'm suppose to study for a quiz and write an essay but the way I feel..I don't know if I'm able to. I feel so weak, I feel useless. I want to run away and hide. I need help but I have no one to reach out for or that I don't want to reach out to anyone. My specialty, pushing them away.
Sigh, I need a stog. Haven't had one for a while and it's killing me, especially with all the shit going on. Sigh..
I miss the days when I woke up smiling for no apparent reason. Because I had everything I've ever wanted. When I was ignorant and believed that I was in a fairytale. <3

ughh

i'm feeling emo. sigh. feeling annoyed. disgusted. irritated.

how come he doesn't get the hint, it's too harsh to tell him but i thought he would understand my actions. sigh. what a nuisance. i need my fucking space!!

i love the single life. this is why i don't like to meet new guys anymore. they're so fucking desperate. and the one you want, you totally fuck it over. -_-"

i just want to sleep. forever.
i just had the best dream ever. <3 it was with the most handsomest guy ever. fuck. i fucked up with him. we were so happy in my dream. now i miss him. i miss how we were when we first met. but now it's all just a memory. a memory from long ago.

Crazy

I think life is turning around for us, we're all so happy! Sure there's always things that will bring us down but all we gota do is think about what's in our life and be thankful for it.
I guess you can say, I was about to drop it but then I guess I enjoy his company. It's like he tries or really is interested in me. So embarrassing when I was with Tina and he kept bothering us. But I'm glad that he can't wait at least an hour to talk to me. I think it's cute. It's like I'm so use to talking to him, seems like if we don't sleep, we'll be talking 24/7. Crazy, I know but it's like it'll feel so weird not talking to him for a minute. Weird, I know, it's only been 2 days, LOL and what's cuter is that he put the date that we MET in his info. I guess we'll go as friends for now and see how it will end up. But this is the weirdest relationship that I've ever been in, I'm so blunt with him and he seems to understand and respects that! He told me when he met me, he knew I was independent that was why he was attracted to me. This is like the first guy I ever talked to (under the influence) and did not kiss. I was tempted to but I rather have his respect so he ended with a hug.
Life is going very well, maybe that's why that song Spring Love was so popular. hahahaha <3 I wish everyone happiness.

=]

So..I'm glad my friends are happy. Having companionship, how wonderful! I admit, I'm not ready to settle down but seeing people around me so happy with another makes me kind of miss it. I guess you can say I gave chances but ugh, I shouldn't! Now I got this unwanted guy on my jock, I thought he understood the hints I gave him but all his mushy talk is so disgusting! I usually like it when they say sweet things but when he said it, it was like ewwww! Kill me. But it's ok, the only problem is I just recently met a very interesting person, I enjoy his company and I think it'll work out. So how can I get rid of the first guy? Ugh, oh well. Maybe I just get excited and happy with a new guy but in a few days I will get tired of them, sigh. WHY ME!!! I hope it's not going to be like this with this fella. We have so much in common, might work out after all or maybe I'm just confused. I don't know, I like talking to him at night and when he texts me in the morning. I think it's cute, his laugh and personality is also cute. Seems like he gives me a lot of attention, makes it even more attractive. hahaha

G'z

This is what I posted in MySpace since she tries to drag out this conversation:

I HATE THOSE WHO FUCKING STEAL. How many times do I have to fucking tell you, how many times do I have to fucking remind you, how many times do I fucking have to yell at you? Do you really don't understand or think that you will always get away with your fucking dumb actions? Do I have to make it fucking public? You say I don't have money? Obviously, you're the fucking one who don't if you take my shit. I really don't know what goes through your mind to always, ALWAYS steal my stuff! It's fucking annoying. GROW UP. Maybe if you stop spending money on OTHERS, you will have money for yourself. Buy something, actually buy many things for yourself. But please, hopefully this will be the last time that I have to remind you, LEAVE MY FUCKING STUFF ALONE! It's sad I have to resolve to this because YOU DON'T WANT TO FUCKING LISTEN TO THE FUCKING TRUTH.

But then, while I showered..I remember I said I'll change, I won't be mad or angry or mean. So then I decided to take it off, but man, I'm so annoyed, so irritated cause I know this won't ever change. You can never change a person and what I learn from time is that she's a liar, a thief, and a fake. Why must she be so different from me, she is so untrustworthy, when I thought I can trust her, she does something to remind me that she can NEVER be trusted. I guess she'll never grow up, it's sad to know I have a sister like this. Everyone in my family has truly given up on her, she cannot be tamed. She's this beast who thinks she's all that, has the looks, the attitude, the everything but she's blinded by her own mind.
It's sad, she knows taht gifts are valuable to me and that it can never be exchanged for anything. She knows but she doesn't care about my feelings. I still have a box that one of my old friend gave me since 3rd grade, she wrote bestfriends. Gifts has always mean a lot to me, I don't know why but it's something I take seriously. To top it off, I'm always reminding her that she ruin so many clothes of mind and she's not allowed to borrow but she still goes and defy me. It's like she doesn't have a brain and really DOES not care about the consequences of her really ridiculous DUMB actions. I really don't know what to do with her, if i forgive her, she does it again, if I don't she still probably will do it again. Sigh.

ANNOYED

Fuck, I get irritated hella easily, especially now since I'm fucking stress over the load of work the school has given me. To top it off, been arguing with my older sister with her ridiculous belief in fairness. I was feeling pretty good but as I laid down to sleep, all these thoughts float to my head and it didn't make me feel too great so I decided to relieve it by writing in the blog.
I'm so angry and disgust with people. Why should I be nice, loyal, trustworthy when so many people nowadays are barely that. They have no conscientiousness. They'll backstab you, cheat you, lie to you. Who can you fucking trust nowadays, not even relatives. You think someone is worthy of your trust and it ends up that they are fake. Are you really gon pretend to be someones friend just to use them? People like that should just die, they have no guilt, no morals. What you have is what god gave you, don't take shit that don't belong to you. Why can't people understand that, it's just frustrating.
Maybe I'm just angry but seeing those people, knowing they exist is just UGH. The sad thing is they don't know it, and when you tell them, they are in denial. But it's life. Stupid.

woohooo

Out of 100, not as well as I expected but a lot better than last semester..I'm just not a test taker. =/

Clinical- 65 on the midterm -_- but should be a C for now (quiz)..estimated 71% overall.
Personality- 74 on midterm...C+ for now..add the homework.
Child psychology- 92 on midterm!!! Fuck yeh, mother fucker.
Cognitive-68 ahhhh on midterm but overall, including essays is 84%.
PsychBio-77 on midterm..but including quizzes should be a B overall.

It's not something to show off, but I'm pretty proud of myself. I would be happier if it was higher but I still got a long way to go and hella other projects and exam coming, I should try harder but I know I'll be too overwhelmed and give up again..=/ I just wish I pass it all with a B and higher.

RAWR

Fuck life in the butthole cause it sucks hairy balls.

Sigh

Way to kill my mood. I just received my results for my first midterm. I checked it, I knew I should of spent more time through it, there were so many questions that I could of answered correctly. I can't stop beating myself over that, but luckily, the professor is a nice one, and hopefully I can make up my grade. I still can't believe I got a C, like wtf, it was so easy. At least, it's not my hard class, it's time to get back into shape. This midterm just slapped and gave me a wake up call, I should study and work even harder for my other midterms! While taking my other midterms, I will remember to read the questions thoroughly and hopefully won't second guess myself. I shouldn't cram before the test too, that kind of fucked me up, since I got confused. I hate when that happens. I wouldn't be so sad if I received a B, but damn, I knew the shit too, that pisses me off.

Guilt.

From time to time, I think about the past, the idiotic things that I have done that caused grief and pain. Drugs. Must I say more? I realize, how selfish and inconsiderate I was. I just can't forgive myself. Even though it was the past, it pops up from time to time. The accident that happened to my brother, right before my eyes, and the problem was because of me. Everytime I'm with him, there's always a problem that arises, I don't know why. I feel like I'm indebted to him, I love him so much, even though we fight so many times! He is the greatest brother a girl can have. Sigh, I wish I was different before, wasn't so ignorant, it was so ridiculous. I am ashamed of the person I once was. I feel like it's all my fault and I wish I can take it all back. The guilt is forever with me. I think this is why I changed so much, matured a lot, gave up on the fun. I feel like a totally different person, someone who doesn't enjoy partying and such. But I suppose, I like it this way, this is the life I'm meant to live.

G'z

There are so many horrible drivers out there! Like seriously, can't you fucking see? On my way home from the WST, I was driving on the freeway at a rarely safe speed and this bitch cuts me off without looking! Luckily there was no cars behind me and I stepped on the brakes right away because if I didn't, I could have gotten killed! That bitch cut me when the front of my car was like up to the middle of her car. Seriously, are you a fucking idiot for not looking before cutting someone off? Just because the person in front of you was driving slow? Fuck, the person in the driver seat was also scared the fuck out. Actually, I was driving Locs car so I was worried about the car than my life. If it was my car, I woulda let that bitch hit me to learn her lesson. In addition, there were hella other cars who drive like shit! What happen to safe driving? It became to insane driving! Is it because my mother is right how no one has insurance? Or is it because of the economy that everyone has fucking lost their brains?!
Anyways, I think I did horrible on the WST, I kept dazzing off and I guess you can say, didn't take it seriously enough. I really think I did horrible, I'm so bad at english, I hate it.
Whatever, I want to take the time to speak about my mother. I love her to death, she's the best and she pride herself on knowing it, too. For example, before the test, she made a delicious breakfast, filled with scamble eggs, bacons, pancakes, potatoe wedges, and sunnyside up with orange juice on the side! My goodness, the best part was, it tasted GREAT! That's not the only reason why I love my mother, she also understands me, like how she can't take me for granted. I do things for her because I know she deserves it, but when she start treating me like a slave and disrespecting me by yelling, I would get angry. And when I get angry she is the only person who knows how to make me happy or get nice again by sucking up to me or in return treat me nicely. My mother is the best, she knows that I'm a broke mofo, so she tries to supply food now and then or extra money on the side for thigns I would need. I love her <3.
Oh, one more thing I like to add; I like how me and Tina would still talk now and then; and how we understand that when we're busy it's because of school or more important things. It's weird how we connect but I'm glad we do. But we are such bad influence on each other, especially at times like these! And how we always tell each other what to do, she would be my favorite bf if she were a boy. Still, I'm glad I've met her cause if I didn't, I think I would have missed a big part in my life, somewhere, I don't know where but I'm sure of it!
Oh, and I just remembered. I like my new laptop, although I want the netbook. But I guess I'm content for now, but my computer is retarded, sometimes I wonder how the fuck can it not understand me, it irritates me. I really think typing is a lot faster than reading to the comp. I hate how it doesn't automatically connect to the internet and I have to disconnect and connect it again, such a waste of time. But all and all, it's pretty good I guess, for the money.

Evilness

I feel so evil. It's been a while since the incident of the argument my father and I had. I don't think I will ever forgive him because he's a dumbfuck. Recently, he pissed me off again. Trying to act hard but wouldn't say shit to my face. He would say, "someone" instead of my name. He knows for a fact that I would not shut my mouth and would say what's on my mind. He's such a fucking idiot. So I burst out saying, oh hell fucking no, he better be talking about himself and he shuts his fucking mouth. Fucking pussy ass nigga, knows my mother would stop me, so he'll "try" to act hard. Like who the fuck does he think he is? He's such a fucking loser, seriously. Always be talking shit but knows I will always defeat him at everything. Also recently I would wake up to his annoying ass fucking voice cause he doesn't know how to control his fucking volume. I would want to shoot him to death or one day go in his room while he's sleeping and stab him a couple of times. This morning, I woke up with tears in my eyes, not because of him, but because of the dream I had. Again, it was related to him, of course he would be the no good father and then we had a fight. In my dream, he finally had the courage to talk back to me so we had a fist fight. In the end, I fucked him up that he ended up in the hospital, of course my mother would be disappointed this happened. Then, I knew, my family would choose him over me, I would run home crying while packing my things to become a bum. Gosh, I woke up with tears, hating him even more. Honestly, he's a piece of crap, why would people care about him, it's annoying, very irritating.

Ah.

I feel so happy everytime I look at the picture of little Lilly, she's my strength to go on. I realized that I can stare at her pictures for hours and feel energized and happy. I've been so busy with school work and trying to catch up, these past 2 weeks, Lilly came to visit and I got caught off. But luckily I'm able to catch up to where I need to be. I've never been this studious before, it feels kinda good but I like being lazy more. It's also kinda scary cause it seems like I'm growing up too fast, I feel so old.
I've been so busy that my room is so disgusting! I haven't been able to clean it up for weeks since my head is always in the books. My mom came in today and said that my little sister room was probably cleaner than mine. Impossible! Her room is disgustingly, can never be clean, dirty!
Anyways, speaking of my mother, the other day she said something that made me laugh. She said I was a druggy, she said it didn't matter what kind of drugs, it would make me happy, wild, and crazy. But she was talking about Acohol, Theraflu or Advil since I was terribly sick for the past month! But the way she said it was so funny, seem like I was really an addict. But I forgot how it was, cause my memory has been very horrible lately! Anyways, I feel fine now, a little cough here and there but at least I ain't feeling woozy and irritated.
I think that's lal for now, I feel so tired and I have to knock out since it was a long day with no gaps in between classes. And tomorrow, I gave to hit the books again and write an essay! Blah! I really can't wait for Spring break, I would probably have a couple of days to rest. Even though I have Friday to Monday off, it's not enough, considering all the hw and chapters that are given for each class. Goodbye!

Hehe

I should go to sleep but after I write this short blog. I'm amazed at how happy and strong I feel right now, feeling like no one can bring me down but myself or is it cause I closed all contacts with those who can hurt me? I thought I would not feel a slight disappointment when the day comes, at first I didn't but the day after seeing him, I start feeling a little, how can I describe it, sad? I don't even know, I'm really ok but my mood was brought down a notch, just a little. But was it the reason that I saw him again? Actaully, I did not see him cause my focus was on someone that was in front of him but my elder sister saw him and told me. At first she said it couldn't be but then she explained him and the person he was with and I knew that it was him. Weird. I was just kidding with her that it was my ex-lover and she shook her head in a yes way which surprised me. Maybe I haven't heard from him for so long that I forgot bout him and the feelings I had for him. I guess what made me disappointed even more was, why does god always remind me of him, is it coincidence or it's planned this way. Everytime I try to or when I do forget him, he pops back into my life, I really don't give a fuck about him anymore, I just find it really annoying when you let go of something and it comes back. I guess you can call this a small world, but what the fuck is he doing on my side of town. Bastard. Oh wells, I'm just happy that he's happy and his life is going well. Even though he did me wrong, I still wish him the best cause I didn't regret the moments I had with him, he made me who I am today and I have to be thankful for that.